2 months and we haven't broken him yet!

Caleb is now 2 months old. I haven't dropped him or forgotten him anywhere; though I did have a brief moment of panic as I was driving to the store and looked in my rearview mirror to check the little guy out only to see that he wasn't there. I quickly realized that he was at home with Grammy.I'm not going to lie, the past 2 months have been tough...really tough. The first few weeks I was in a complete daze. I don't think I could have spelled my last name if you asked me. The last few weeks have been better. Honestly no one tells you the really hard stuff of having a baby. I don't know maybe it's just me, but I have a feeling I'm not alone. Let me start by saying I love my son, but I've been waiting for this magic bond that I thought was supposed to automatically be there between us. Most days I feel like he could care less who holds him or feeds him or changes his diaper; as long as it gets done. But seriously, I can't wait for the days when he lifts his hands up for me to hold him, or when a stranger enters the room and he immediately looks to me for reassurance or when he is really fussy and just wants his mom. I know those days will come. And I have to be really careful not to wish these early months away, but some days are just tough.He does make us laugh though. His favorite thing to do is wait until the opportune moment when you’re not paying attention and his diaper is off to pee all over you and himself. He got himself good in the eye the other day. It's a good thing his urine is sterile! He's growing so fast. At his last appointment he was 11lbs. That is a far cry from his preemie 5lbs 3oz. He's starting to get cute chubby little rolls on his legs and a double chin. I still stare at him and can't believe that Nigel and I made him. We get to know each other more and more every day. He's starting to be more aware of his surroundings. He stares at my face when I feed him; studying me and checking me out. When we drop him of at my mom's for a day I miss him terribly which makes me feel human. We're so blessed that he is healthy and thriving and I feel honored to be his mom.

Movin' On Up!

For the past year and a half Nigel and I have been living with a group of friends so that we could save our money and pay off our debt. To be exact over the past year and a half we've lived with 8 other adults, 3 kids, a dog and 4 cats. Though it was tough at times I can honestly say we are so grateful for the opportunity. We grew really close with our housemates. They were and still are family. But now that Caleb has arrived it was time for us to get our own place. During Thanksgiving weekend, with the help of our "family" we moved to a condo in Chelmsford. We absolutely love it. It was so nice to have all of our own stuff back. We painted and decorated and really made it home. Of course the best part is we now have cable and DVR. Yes! Nigel has been watching all of his shows on the Discovery channel and I finally saw my first episode of John and Kate plus 8 on TLC.
My favorite time is at night, when the lights are dim; Caleb is settled and the four of us (can't forget about our cat Ty) are curled up on the couch watching TV together. Yeah....these are the good days.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Beating the Baby Blues

These past 3 weeks have been exhilarating and exhausting. Nigel had to go back to work, so I've been on my own during the days and nights with Caleb. I am starting to adjust to the lack of sleep and am really enjoying getting to know him more and more every day.

Even though I've had a lot of help from family and friends, I still get overwhelmed sometimes. I've had a touch of the baby blues as my hormones continue to settle and I get used to this new life. I cry at the drop of a dime and freak out at the cat every now and then. Nigel has been so helpful and supportive. He checks in with me often and takes Caleb when he gets home from work so that I can have a break. Aside from doctor's appointments and one outing, I've basically stayed home with him every day. But today I decided to take him on his first walk. It was a beautiful day, so I bundled Caleb up and we set out for a nice walk to Dunkin Donuts and a stroll through the common. I can't tell you how good it felt to be outside. The leaves on the trees were beautiful shades of orange and yellow. We saw several squirrels and heard the birds sing. I breathed in the fresh air and immediately felt my sprits lift. We walked by a baseball field and I thought of how fun it will be for Nigel and I to go to Caleb's sporting events when he gets older. I ran into a friend who was riding his bike through the common and then made my way back home.

When I got home I felt so rejuvenated. I realized how important it is to get out of the house every now and then. This will be a bit challenging when the winter comes, but for now I'm taking advantaged of the weather while it is still nice out.

3 Weeks Old!!

Just call me Bessie

Change diaper, feed, and change diaper again, pump, cradle..... repeat 25 times then start again in the morning. This is my routine now. I'm not complaining. Caleb is worth it, but I can't help but remember when my body was mine and not a milk machine. Right now I have the song 'Under Pressure' by David Bowie running through my mind. "Pressure, pushing down on me..." I was trying to think of a tactful way to talk about this, but it is what it is. What am I referring too...breastfeeding. It's hard! There is so much pressure from the doctors, nurses, friends, television; breast is best. Now I have to say, I agree. Personally I feel like if you can do it, breast feeding is the way to go. God made woman's bodies to produce milk which has all the nutrients our little ones need. However, if breastfeeding is not for you, that is okay too. It is definitely a personal decision.

I thought breastfeeding would be a breeze and an obvious choice for me. Little did I know that Caleb would be early and would not be on the same page as me. It's quite a show every time I attempt to feed him. It's almost as if I can read his mind through his facial expressions.

Me: Come on sweetie. Wake up, it’s time to eat.
Caleb: Mom trust me, these things make much better pillows than a source of food.
Me: Maybe I can catch 5 minutes of Amazing Race while I feed him.
Caleb: Mom! Pay attention, your suffocating me!
Me: Open wide, you have to get a good latch.
Caleb: Seriously....how big do you think my mouth is?
Me: You have to actually suck sweetie, gumming it won’t work.
Caleb: Screw this, its way to much work.

To make sure that he is getting the amount of milk he needs, I've had to pump and feed him with a bottle. At first I was upset by this, but he is still getting my breast milk which is what was important to me. Another advantage is that Nigel can feed him as well, which is a huge help. I know that I shouldn’t' give up, and that as he gets a little older he might get the hang of it, but I honestly don't know how long I can do this for. I've set a small goal of 4 weeks for myself. After that I'm going to re-evaluate and see how I feel. I have a supply of milk in the freezer that could feed a small village, so even if I decided to stop pumping at 4 weeks I should still be able to feed him the breast milk for another couple of weeks after that.

I'm definitely learning that not everything goes as planned when you have a baby. You have to do the best you can and not put any added pressure on yourself.

Can someone pass me a mai tai?

Aside from being 4 weeks early and a little peanut, Caleb is very healthy except for a mild case of jaundice. This is very common especially in early babies, although it has been something we have had to monitor closely. We had to be strict about feeding him every 2 hours and keeping track of his output. The doctor's checked his bilirubin levels before we left the hospital and they were at an acceptable rate. However over the next few days they continued to rise until they got to the point where we had to bring Caleb to the hospital for a photo therapy session. For 24 hours he had to be in an incubator that is basically like a tanning booth. The treatment is supposed to help rid the body of the bilirubin by altering it or making it easier for your baby's liver to get rid of it.

It was a long, long night. The first few hours weren't so bad. It was so warm in the incubator that Caleb was just relaxing. He looked like he was passed out on the beach, not a care in the world. That lasted for about 6 hours and then he was all set. He cried a lot which is just heart breaking because they would only let me hold him a couple of times for about 10min. When all was said and done, his bilirubin levels had decreased and we were able to take him home. We're still keeping an eye on it and have an appointment next week to have him checked again.

Surprise! Surprise! He's Here!

Caleb Steven Dallaire decided to make his appearance 4 weeks early on October 14th. We were caught by complete surprise, but are thrilled that he is here and is healthy. Here's the quick run down of the events of the day.

I woke up on Columbus Day and decided that it was time to pack my overnight bag. I figured the weeks were getting shorter and I didn't want to forget anything. About mid morning I thought that maybe my water had broken, but wasn't too sure. I had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and was going to just wait until then. After talking with my friend Melanie, she convinced me that I should just call the doctor and explain what happened. The midwife told me that I was still pretty early so more than likely it wasn't my water, but I should come in and be checked just to be on the safe side. I called Nigel and we drove down to the hospital since the doctor's office was closed due to the holiday. The drive down Nigel kept saying, "This is it!" We might be spending the night. I thought he was crazy. I figured she would send us home breathing ‘newbie’s’ under her breath.

To my surprise and the midwife’s she told me that my water had not broken but that I was 3 cm dilated and a 100% effaced. What! When did that happen? She said I was already passed the early stages of labor. She told me to walk around for an hour and she would check me again. An hour later I was 4 cm dilated and started having contractions. I kept thinking how random it was that I just happen to go into labor while I was already at the hospital. The contractions started coming faster and stronger and before I knew it I was admitted and asking for an epidural. After about 2 hours of painful contractions the anesthesiologist finally came in. He was a pleasant little man from India. It was difficult to understand him so I was worried that I would move or do something wrong. He told me to relax that it would just feel like I had a piece of food stuck in my teeth.....literally? I said.

Once I had the epidural I felt much better. I managed to sleep a bit throughout the night, but stalled around 6cm. The midwife gave me a dose of pitocin to move things along. The next morning I had stalled again around 8cm. This time the midwife decided to break my water. That was all it took. I immediately started to feel the pressure and the urge to push. What I would like to know is what happened to the epidural at this point. I felt everything and it was not fun. Remember the ring of fire my birthing teacher talked about....she wasn't kidding. Giving birth is no joke. I almost wonder how woman go through it more than once. Fortunately Nigel, my mom and the nurses were all great cheerleaders throughout the whole process. It was quite the out of body experience. I yelled, said I couldn't do it and almost wanted to give up. The midwife said, "reach down you can feel his head". Are you kidding me!! I yelled, "No, just get him out!"

After an hour and a half Caleb was here and I was exhausted. A week later I can now say that it was completely worth it, but still the hardest thing I've ever done. And for now, I'm pretty sure Caleb will be an only child.

Reality Check

So for the past 8 months, I have been so focused on the pregnancy that I hadn’t really given too much thought about how this baby was going to make his arrival into our world….until Tuesday night.

Nigel and I attended the first of our five week prepared birthing classes. At first I was very excited. I figured we’d get a chance to meet a few other expecting couples, learn how to breathe through contractions and I really wanted a tour of the hospital where I’ll be delivering. What I got was 2 hours of information overload from a nurse that I honestly think was getting some sick pleasure out of scaring the crap out of us.
Within the first hour she described the pain of contractions to “getting your arm cut off with a dull saw”, the cervix dilating to “sucking on a lifesaver” and the burning sensation of the baby’s head coming out as “the ring of fire”. Well thank you nurse Ratched for not beating around the bush and giving it to us straight.

Then came the video, The 3 Stages of Labor. They focused on three different couples and each of their experiences. Stage one, early labor, didn’t seem too bad. One couple actually went hiking and another stayed home going throughout their regular day while the woman just had mild cramps every now and then. This I can handle. Then came active labor. This is where the contractions intensify and come quicker. No one went hiking. The moms could barely talk. This is where you see the woman panting and groaning and spitting out ice chips. One of the husbands talked about how it was helpful if he got right in his wife’s face and calmly talked her through the contractions. The wife said it helped her concentrate on something other than the pain. Yeah right. I told Nigel if he gets that close to my face at any time during labor I will hit him.

Next is transition, pushing and then dare I say, delivering the placenta. That’s right. After you just pushed out a human you have to once again push out the placenta. I almost started to cry in the middle of it as I realized that I am actually going to have to go through all of this. There’s no turning back. By the end of the video it was obvious to me that none of these women had an epidural. This is my one glimmer of hope. Mark my words, I am having an epidural. In fact, the nurse was sitting in view of Nigel and I and must of saw me squirming through the video. At the end she asked if there was anyone in the room who knew they wanted an epidural. I was the first one to raise my hand high. In fact I had to hold back from yelling out a little, “whoop whoop” like Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama (watch clip). The nurse looked at us and said, “Well I know you guys are”.

So there you have it. Probably more than what you wanted to know, but it’s real and it’s happening and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know it will all be worth it when we get that first look at our son. And if woman have really been doing it like this since the beginning of time then I guess I’ll be able to do it too. I am woman hear me roar.....or scream and curse a lot.

Showers in Montreal

Over Labor Day weekend Nigel and I drove up to Montreal for a couple of baby showers on his Dad and Mom's side. It was so great to see everyone. We couldn't believe how grown up his cousins were. We laughed a lot, ate some great food and received some really special gifts. A lot of work was put into both showers; we had a great time and felt so loved. We can't wait to make another trip up during Christmas with the baby.


His grandmother knitted us two baby blankets along with little booties. His Aunt Karen made us a diaper cake that was so creative and full of lots of little things for the baby. His Aunt Debbie got us an ice cream cake from Carvel. She asked them to draw little icing booties on the top of the cake. Now I don't know what kind of freaky side show Bob baby this Carvel employee thought we were having, but if our baby is going to have feet that fit into those booties then maybe I've got it all wrong by worrying about the size of his head!

I felt like the stay puft marshmallow man

I had my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment yesterday. Now that I'm getting closer to the end I have to go every 2 weeks. Usually the appointments are pretty much the same. Up until this last appointment no one has said a word to me about my weight gain. I guess I was pretty much on target...was on target. At this last appointment I had gained 7lbs since my previous appointment which had been a month ago. I didn't think it was that bad. I guess I was wrong. The nurse actually said to me, "So, you've gained 7lbs. Do you really think it could be 7lbs? I'm going to have to have my scale checked." Thanks a lot! It's the summer! I'm retaining water! I'm allowed a little bit of ice cream! I saw her glance at my sausage fingers; I don't think she was convinced. When the appointment was over I immediately became very aware of the 7lbs. I felt like the stay puft marshmallow man from Ghostbusters as I waddled out of the office.

As I ate my 6 piece chicken mcnugget I thought about my diet and decided I really needed to continue eating the healthy foods I was already eating, but cut down on all the bad stuff. The first and second trimesters were easy since I really wasn't that hungry, but these last couple of weeks my appetite has dramatically increased. I'm hungry all the time and somehow the salad and fruit I have for lunch every day just doesn't cut it. I'm going to challenge myself these next two weeks to still eat enough, but make sure that it is all good stuff I'm eating. I'll show that nurse! Next time if she tells me she has to have her scale checked, I'll politely tell her where she can put that scale.

I think someone is getting jealous

Last night Nigel and I talked about how we will have to get our cat Ty in a routine of not sleeping with us for the first few months while the baby is in our room. I woke up this morning with my arm completely asleep. I had that moment of panic where I literally could not feel my arm at all. Then came the sharp pins and needles that lasted a few minutes until I could feel the blood making its way back through my arm. What could have caused such pain.....

Remember the movie Aliens...

And he shall be named Leonidas.....or not

Naming your first child can be a very difficult task, but for us I thought it would be a breeze. Nigel has had a boy name picked out since before we were married. I didn't love it at first; but after mulling it over for 9 years it's grown on me. Then he watched the movie 300. He decided he really liked the name Leonidas. For those of you who don't know about the movie 300; it is about King Leonidas and a force of 300 men who fight the Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C.
Leonidas....seriously? "It's a strong, masculine name" Nigel said. For a split second I thought, "Well we could call him Leo". Then I thought about that kid in school whose name the teacher always mispronounced during role call. I thought about the little 1st graders who would taunt our son. Leonidas? More like Pee-on-idas.
I immediately came to my senses and put the kibosh to Leonidas. Nigel still thinks we should have a back up name, but my guess is we'll go with the original and leave Leonidas to the Spartans.

Washington DC

I went to Washington DC this weekend to visit my friend Audrey. This was the last time I could get on a plane before the baby comes so I packed my bags and waddled my way through the airport. The humidity was at an all time high. By the time we were ready to board I was so thirsty and out of breath I thought I might pass out. Now you would think watching a red faced and panting pregnant woman try to hoist her bag up into the overhead compartment would cause some nice person to jump out of their seat to help, but no. The guy sitting in the aisle seat of my row just sat there. I thought to myself, "I hope you don't mind as I thrust my huge belly in your face. And please pay no attention to the grunting noises your hearing. I'll be just fine." I mean really. Don't be fooled by the swollen man hands and sausage fingers. I'm really not that strong and could have used a hand. I sat in my chair and put the air on full blast. Fortunately the flight was only an hour long.
I had a great weekend. It was the perfect amount of site seeing and relaxing. Even though Audrey lives in the city and usually takes the metro everywhere; she went out of her way to drive me around so that I wouldn't have to walk too much in the heat and humidity. We saw the Pandas at the zoo, the Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, Jim Henson exhibit and ate at a few fabulous restaurants. To top it all off they have central ac and full cable with DVR. By the end of the trip I was ready to go home and see Nigel, but I'll miss the cable.
Thanks Audrey and Jesse!!

Getting up to Speed.

As the months have past I've enjoyed every milestone that me and my little guy have hit. The little taps that were once so sporadic have now turned into full blown karate kicks and punches. I've said goodbye to my waistline and now hold back tears as I step on the scale at every doctor’s appointment. I've embraced the sausages that are now in place of my fingers and the thick luscious hair that has grown everywhere but on my head. I've accepted that the bump in my front is equally as big as the bump in my ass. I've even welcomed the "girls" that have shown up from the Dolly Parton collection. It all comes with the territory. Fortunately aside from all the aches and pains I can honestly say that every day is a good day when I know our little guy is safe and getting ready to meet us.

It's a boy!

At 18 weeks Nigel and I had the big ultrasound scheduled. The doctors would check all of the baby’s vital organs, measurements and finally tell us what we were having. It was amazing seeing the baby on the screen; the little feet, hands and profile. It was such a change from the first ultrasound. The technician took her time. She started at the head, moving down to the arms then the heart and stomach and then finally the moment of truth. It took all of 2 seconds for us to realize what I already knew...we were having a boy! There was a part of me that really wanted a little girl, but I just knew in my gut that we were having a boy. For a few minutes I have to say I was a little disappointed, but then I looked at Nigel's face. He was so excited. I started to envision the two of them playing together and learning from each other. I have a few friends that have just had boys and I've decided that I am thrilled to be having a boy first.

Heartbeats and Headaches

I was so anxious for my first doctor’s appointment that the weeks literally felt like months and months of waiting. Then finally the day came. Nigel and I knew that the doctor was going to try to listen to the heartbeat for the first time. We were so nervous. After talking with the doctor for a bit, I laid down on the table and he pulled out the Doppler monitor. He told me to be patient. That it sometimes can take a few minutes for him to find the heartbeat. With Nigel by my side I laid there and listened. After about 5 seconds I began to cry. I had been through this before. Nigel held my hand tight and we waited as the doctor passed the monitor back and forth over my stomach. Then finally we heard it. It sounded like a little freight train. We were only able to hear it for a couple of seconds because I burst into tears which made it difficult for the doctor to keep the monitor on my stomach, but it was there and we were thrilled.

March 6, 2008

March 6, 2008 is a date that will be forever etched in my mind. I started the day off with mixed emotions. I had been feeling a little off all week. I decided on a whim, not even thinking about the significance of that day, to stop at the grocery store on my way to work and purchase a pregnancy test. After months of trying to conceive I didn't let myself get too excited; I had been fooled before. But somehow this time, I felt different. I got to work, walked down to the bathroom and did my thing. 3 minutes later everything changed. I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant.....again. What made this day even more special was that March 6, 2008 was the due date for my first pregnancy that sadly resulted in a miscarriage. I can now look back on this day with some peace and closure. Not too forget. I'll never forget what could have been, but to celebrate what will be. That day I was blessed again with the chance to be a mom.