Reality Check

So for the past 8 months, I have been so focused on the pregnancy that I hadn’t really given too much thought about how this baby was going to make his arrival into our world….until Tuesday night.

Nigel and I attended the first of our five week prepared birthing classes. At first I was very excited. I figured we’d get a chance to meet a few other expecting couples, learn how to breathe through contractions and I really wanted a tour of the hospital where I’ll be delivering. What I got was 2 hours of information overload from a nurse that I honestly think was getting some sick pleasure out of scaring the crap out of us.
Within the first hour she described the pain of contractions to “getting your arm cut off with a dull saw”, the cervix dilating to “sucking on a lifesaver” and the burning sensation of the baby’s head coming out as “the ring of fire”. Well thank you nurse Ratched for not beating around the bush and giving it to us straight.

Then came the video, The 3 Stages of Labor. They focused on three different couples and each of their experiences. Stage one, early labor, didn’t seem too bad. One couple actually went hiking and another stayed home going throughout their regular day while the woman just had mild cramps every now and then. This I can handle. Then came active labor. This is where the contractions intensify and come quicker. No one went hiking. The moms could barely talk. This is where you see the woman panting and groaning and spitting out ice chips. One of the husbands talked about how it was helpful if he got right in his wife’s face and calmly talked her through the contractions. The wife said it helped her concentrate on something other than the pain. Yeah right. I told Nigel if he gets that close to my face at any time during labor I will hit him.

Next is transition, pushing and then dare I say, delivering the placenta. That’s right. After you just pushed out a human you have to once again push out the placenta. I almost started to cry in the middle of it as I realized that I am actually going to have to go through all of this. There’s no turning back. By the end of the video it was obvious to me that none of these women had an epidural. This is my one glimmer of hope. Mark my words, I am having an epidural. In fact, the nurse was sitting in view of Nigel and I and must of saw me squirming through the video. At the end she asked if there was anyone in the room who knew they wanted an epidural. I was the first one to raise my hand high. In fact I had to hold back from yelling out a little, “whoop whoop” like Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama (watch clip). The nurse looked at us and said, “Well I know you guys are”.

So there you have it. Probably more than what you wanted to know, but it’s real and it’s happening and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know it will all be worth it when we get that first look at our son. And if woman have really been doing it like this since the beginning of time then I guess I’ll be able to do it too. I am woman hear me roar.....or scream and curse a lot.