Just call me Bessie

Change diaper, feed, and change diaper again, pump, cradle..... repeat 25 times then start again in the morning. This is my routine now. I'm not complaining. Caleb is worth it, but I can't help but remember when my body was mine and not a milk machine. Right now I have the song 'Under Pressure' by David Bowie running through my mind. "Pressure, pushing down on me..." I was trying to think of a tactful way to talk about this, but it is what it is. What am I referring too...breastfeeding. It's hard! There is so much pressure from the doctors, nurses, friends, television; breast is best. Now I have to say, I agree. Personally I feel like if you can do it, breast feeding is the way to go. God made woman's bodies to produce milk which has all the nutrients our little ones need. However, if breastfeeding is not for you, that is okay too. It is definitely a personal decision.

I thought breastfeeding would be a breeze and an obvious choice for me. Little did I know that Caleb would be early and would not be on the same page as me. It's quite a show every time I attempt to feed him. It's almost as if I can read his mind through his facial expressions.

Me: Come on sweetie. Wake up, it’s time to eat.
Caleb: Mom trust me, these things make much better pillows than a source of food.
Me: Maybe I can catch 5 minutes of Amazing Race while I feed him.
Caleb: Mom! Pay attention, your suffocating me!
Me: Open wide, you have to get a good latch.
Caleb: Seriously....how big do you think my mouth is?
Me: You have to actually suck sweetie, gumming it won’t work.
Caleb: Screw this, its way to much work.

To make sure that he is getting the amount of milk he needs, I've had to pump and feed him with a bottle. At first I was upset by this, but he is still getting my breast milk which is what was important to me. Another advantage is that Nigel can feed him as well, which is a huge help. I know that I shouldn’t' give up, and that as he gets a little older he might get the hang of it, but I honestly don't know how long I can do this for. I've set a small goal of 4 weeks for myself. After that I'm going to re-evaluate and see how I feel. I have a supply of milk in the freezer that could feed a small village, so even if I decided to stop pumping at 4 weeks I should still be able to feed him the breast milk for another couple of weeks after that.

I'm definitely learning that not everything goes as planned when you have a baby. You have to do the best you can and not put any added pressure on yourself.