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Beating the Baby Blues

These past 3 weeks have been exhilarating and exhausting. Nigel had to go back to work, so I've been on my own during the days and nights with Caleb. I am starting to adjust to the lack of sleep and am really enjoying getting to know him more and more every day.

Even though I've had a lot of help from family and friends, I still get overwhelmed sometimes. I've had a touch of the baby blues as my hormones continue to settle and I get used to this new life. I cry at the drop of a dime and freak out at the cat every now and then. Nigel has been so helpful and supportive. He checks in with me often and takes Caleb when he gets home from work so that I can have a break. Aside from doctor's appointments and one outing, I've basically stayed home with him every day. But today I decided to take him on his first walk. It was a beautiful day, so I bundled Caleb up and we set out for a nice walk to Dunkin Donuts and a stroll through the common. I can't tell you how good it felt to be outside. The leaves on the trees were beautiful shades of orange and yellow. We saw several squirrels and heard the birds sing. I breathed in the fresh air and immediately felt my sprits lift. We walked by a baseball field and I thought of how fun it will be for Nigel and I to go to Caleb's sporting events when he gets older. I ran into a friend who was riding his bike through the common and then made my way back home.

When I got home I felt so rejuvenated. I realized how important it is to get out of the house every now and then. This will be a bit challenging when the winter comes, but for now I'm taking advantaged of the weather while it is still nice out.

3 Weeks Old!!

Just call me Bessie

Change diaper, feed, and change diaper again, pump, cradle..... repeat 25 times then start again in the morning. This is my routine now. I'm not complaining. Caleb is worth it, but I can't help but remember when my body was mine and not a milk machine. Right now I have the song 'Under Pressure' by David Bowie running through my mind. "Pressure, pushing down on me..." I was trying to think of a tactful way to talk about this, but it is what it is. What am I referring too...breastfeeding. It's hard! There is so much pressure from the doctors, nurses, friends, television; breast is best. Now I have to say, I agree. Personally I feel like if you can do it, breast feeding is the way to go. God made woman's bodies to produce milk which has all the nutrients our little ones need. However, if breastfeeding is not for you, that is okay too. It is definitely a personal decision.

I thought breastfeeding would be a breeze and an obvious choice for me. Little did I know that Caleb would be early and would not be on the same page as me. It's quite a show every time I attempt to feed him. It's almost as if I can read his mind through his facial expressions.

Me: Come on sweetie. Wake up, it’s time to eat.
Caleb: Mom trust me, these things make much better pillows than a source of food.
Me: Maybe I can catch 5 minutes of Amazing Race while I feed him.
Caleb: Mom! Pay attention, your suffocating me!
Me: Open wide, you have to get a good latch.
Caleb: Seriously....how big do you think my mouth is?
Me: You have to actually suck sweetie, gumming it won’t work.
Caleb: Screw this, its way to much work.

To make sure that he is getting the amount of milk he needs, I've had to pump and feed him with a bottle. At first I was upset by this, but he is still getting my breast milk which is what was important to me. Another advantage is that Nigel can feed him as well, which is a huge help. I know that I shouldn’t' give up, and that as he gets a little older he might get the hang of it, but I honestly don't know how long I can do this for. I've set a small goal of 4 weeks for myself. After that I'm going to re-evaluate and see how I feel. I have a supply of milk in the freezer that could feed a small village, so even if I decided to stop pumping at 4 weeks I should still be able to feed him the breast milk for another couple of weeks after that.

I'm definitely learning that not everything goes as planned when you have a baby. You have to do the best you can and not put any added pressure on yourself.

Can someone pass me a mai tai?

Aside from being 4 weeks early and a little peanut, Caleb is very healthy except for a mild case of jaundice. This is very common especially in early babies, although it has been something we have had to monitor closely. We had to be strict about feeding him every 2 hours and keeping track of his output. The doctor's checked his bilirubin levels before we left the hospital and they were at an acceptable rate. However over the next few days they continued to rise until they got to the point where we had to bring Caleb to the hospital for a photo therapy session. For 24 hours he had to be in an incubator that is basically like a tanning booth. The treatment is supposed to help rid the body of the bilirubin by altering it or making it easier for your baby's liver to get rid of it.

It was a long, long night. The first few hours weren't so bad. It was so warm in the incubator that Caleb was just relaxing. He looked like he was passed out on the beach, not a care in the world. That lasted for about 6 hours and then he was all set. He cried a lot which is just heart breaking because they would only let me hold him a couple of times for about 10min. When all was said and done, his bilirubin levels had decreased and we were able to take him home. We're still keeping an eye on it and have an appointment next week to have him checked again.

Surprise! Surprise! He's Here!

Caleb Steven Dallaire decided to make his appearance 4 weeks early on October 14th. We were caught by complete surprise, but are thrilled that he is here and is healthy. Here's the quick run down of the events of the day.

I woke up on Columbus Day and decided that it was time to pack my overnight bag. I figured the weeks were getting shorter and I didn't want to forget anything. About mid morning I thought that maybe my water had broken, but wasn't too sure. I had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday and was going to just wait until then. After talking with my friend Melanie, she convinced me that I should just call the doctor and explain what happened. The midwife told me that I was still pretty early so more than likely it wasn't my water, but I should come in and be checked just to be on the safe side. I called Nigel and we drove down to the hospital since the doctor's office was closed due to the holiday. The drive down Nigel kept saying, "This is it!" We might be spending the night. I thought he was crazy. I figured she would send us home breathing ‘newbie’s’ under her breath.

To my surprise and the midwife’s she told me that my water had not broken but that I was 3 cm dilated and a 100% effaced. What! When did that happen? She said I was already passed the early stages of labor. She told me to walk around for an hour and she would check me again. An hour later I was 4 cm dilated and started having contractions. I kept thinking how random it was that I just happen to go into labor while I was already at the hospital. The contractions started coming faster and stronger and before I knew it I was admitted and asking for an epidural. After about 2 hours of painful contractions the anesthesiologist finally came in. He was a pleasant little man from India. It was difficult to understand him so I was worried that I would move or do something wrong. He told me to relax that it would just feel like I had a piece of food stuck in my teeth.....literally? I said.

Once I had the epidural I felt much better. I managed to sleep a bit throughout the night, but stalled around 6cm. The midwife gave me a dose of pitocin to move things along. The next morning I had stalled again around 8cm. This time the midwife decided to break my water. That was all it took. I immediately started to feel the pressure and the urge to push. What I would like to know is what happened to the epidural at this point. I felt everything and it was not fun. Remember the ring of fire my birthing teacher talked about....she wasn't kidding. Giving birth is no joke. I almost wonder how woman go through it more than once. Fortunately Nigel, my mom and the nurses were all great cheerleaders throughout the whole process. It was quite the out of body experience. I yelled, said I couldn't do it and almost wanted to give up. The midwife said, "reach down you can feel his head". Are you kidding me!! I yelled, "No, just get him out!"

After an hour and a half Caleb was here and I was exhausted. A week later I can now say that it was completely worth it, but still the hardest thing I've ever done. And for now, I'm pretty sure Caleb will be an only child.

Reality Check

So for the past 8 months, I have been so focused on the pregnancy that I hadn’t really given too much thought about how this baby was going to make his arrival into our world….until Tuesday night.

Nigel and I attended the first of our five week prepared birthing classes. At first I was very excited. I figured we’d get a chance to meet a few other expecting couples, learn how to breathe through contractions and I really wanted a tour of the hospital where I’ll be delivering. What I got was 2 hours of information overload from a nurse that I honestly think was getting some sick pleasure out of scaring the crap out of us.
Within the first hour she described the pain of contractions to “getting your arm cut off with a dull saw”, the cervix dilating to “sucking on a lifesaver” and the burning sensation of the baby’s head coming out as “the ring of fire”. Well thank you nurse Ratched for not beating around the bush and giving it to us straight.

Then came the video, The 3 Stages of Labor. They focused on three different couples and each of their experiences. Stage one, early labor, didn’t seem too bad. One couple actually went hiking and another stayed home going throughout their regular day while the woman just had mild cramps every now and then. This I can handle. Then came active labor. This is where the contractions intensify and come quicker. No one went hiking. The moms could barely talk. This is where you see the woman panting and groaning and spitting out ice chips. One of the husbands talked about how it was helpful if he got right in his wife’s face and calmly talked her through the contractions. The wife said it helped her concentrate on something other than the pain. Yeah right. I told Nigel if he gets that close to my face at any time during labor I will hit him.

Next is transition, pushing and then dare I say, delivering the placenta. That’s right. After you just pushed out a human you have to once again push out the placenta. I almost started to cry in the middle of it as I realized that I am actually going to have to go through all of this. There’s no turning back. By the end of the video it was obvious to me that none of these women had an epidural. This is my one glimmer of hope. Mark my words, I am having an epidural. In fact, the nurse was sitting in view of Nigel and I and must of saw me squirming through the video. At the end she asked if there was anyone in the room who knew they wanted an epidural. I was the first one to raise my hand high. In fact I had to hold back from yelling out a little, “whoop whoop” like Amy Poehler in the movie Baby Mama (watch clip). The nurse looked at us and said, “Well I know you guys are”.

So there you have it. Probably more than what you wanted to know, but it’s real and it’s happening and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know it will all be worth it when we get that first look at our son. And if woman have really been doing it like this since the beginning of time then I guess I’ll be able to do it too. I am woman hear me roar.....or scream and curse a lot.